September 2018 Knowledge Newsletter

Dear Friends,

We all desire to have healthy loving relationships with our partners, friends, family and others. Below are some tips to ensure your relationships are a success.

Tips for Successful Relationships

Healthy happy relationships are ones in which all people love themselves and feel empowered rather than being dependent on others to fulfill their emotional needs, as this can lead to disappointment and them feeling unloved.

A good relationship is one where both parties feel they can fully express their true feelings without fear of rejection or criticism. This naturally requires they be in touch with their feelings.

Always being honest helps to develop trust in relationships. When one person shares something very personal, it often encourages the other person to do the same. You may be able to get away with lies and deception for a time, but your relationship will suffer once your lies are discovered.

We all come to relationships with expectations so it is important you discuss your expectations with others and ask them if they are willing and able to fulfill them. Failure to discuss your expectations may lead to frustration that others are not fulfilling them. People are never required to fulfill your expectations but you have a better chance of success if they know what you want.

Don’t expect your other people to be mind-readers. Telling others what you want improves your chances of getting it. This way they don’t need to guess or make decisions for you.

Many people starting new relationships fear that the relationship will end badly as have past relationships. It is better to look upon new relationships as a blank canvas rather than imposing your fear of failure on it. Understanding why your past relationships failed and being willing to take responsibility for the part you played instead of blaming others, can prevent future failures and help improve your relationships.

Since love means different things to different people, it is important to ask your partner, friends and family how they would like to be loved rather than doing what you prefer or think it is what they want. Some people like a lot of together time while others like being alone. Some like talking things out while the others may not. Be sure to let your others know what you like, ask them what they like, and honor their preferences.

Don’t come to romantic relationships with unrealistic beliefs like believing in the Cinderella fantasy, where prince or princess charming will rescue you and you will live happily ever after. Such fantasies are a deterrent to successful relationships. Relationships require constant nurturing so it is best to be prepared for that rather than believing that once a relationship has been established, there is no further work to be done.

Don’t try to change people. It is much better to accept them as they are. We all desire love and acceptance and trying to change a person to suit your needs gives them the message they are unacceptable as they are. If they are not to your liking, it is better to find others to be with.

Successful relationships require flexibility as life is always in a state of flux. Sometimes the best laid plans and relationships go awry. But look on the bright side. Maybe that was the way it was meant to be because someone or something better is coming to replace what you lost.

Keep your promises or will people will never believe you. While it is true that situations come up beyond our control at times, but if you have a habit of not keeping your promises, not only will no one trust you. it can lead to conflict and possible relationship failure.  

It is important people are realistic and understand they are together for better or for worse and life can go either way. If they don’t understand this, they will likely bail at the first sign of difficulty. Also if you come to relationships with trust or other issues, at the first sign of difficulty, you will likely immediately jump to the conclusion they can’t be trusted. You need to recognize this is your issue and it needs attention before you destroy the relationship.

Couples and business partners should discuss their goals for the future to be sure they are in agreement. I recommend that goals be reviewed every few years as people and situations change.

It is easier when couples and friends have shared values and beliefs but if not, they must be willing to accept of the other person’s beliefs if they are different from theirs. This can include religious, political, cultural and social values.

Many couples and families argue about money so they need to be in agreement with where money should be spent, who should handle the finances, and who should make decisions about money. Along with a joint account for house hold expenses, I recommend each person have their own bank account to give them independence and money to spend on that special something without needing agreement from others.

Couples and families need to be willing to share household tasks, child care, car maintenance, making social arrangements, and paying bills so that one person doesn’t feel that they are carrying the whole load. It is a good idea to interchange tasks so that all are competent. One person could teach others how to do tasks such as cooking or car maintenance, if they don’t know how.

Couples should be sexually compatible in terms of their sexual preferences such as frequency, who initiates, a willingness to experiment, a desire to play out their fantasies, the use of sex toys, and so on. This should probably be discussed early on because sexual incapability can lead partners to look elsewhere to fulfill their needs.

During sexual intercourse, we are very emotionally vulnerable so it is important that both parties feel safe enough to share their feelings and explore new things. Sex should never be used to get what you want because that is just manipulation and no one likes being manipulated. We all like to feel our partners want to be intimate with us because they love us and not because of what we they will get out of it.

Couple should agree to never go to bed angry as this only serves to take negative energy into the bedroom, which should be a place for rest and physical intimacy. Choosing not to talk to one another never solves anything. It only demonstrates a lack of problem solving skills. If you cannot resolve your issues, perhaps a friend or counselor can act as a mediator.  

I think it is important for people to tell each other frequently that they love each other, give each other compliments on how they look or a job well done. This only takes a minute but can make a person feel loved and appreciated.  

If there are children from previous relationships, couples need to agree on whether their partner will play a role in parenting their children and what role that will be. Most people parent their children the way they were parented as that was the only role model they had. Since parenting styles vary, both must be in agreement on how children will be parented.

If you are in relationship with someone who has children, then you must understand they come as a package deal and not expect them to pay more attention to you than their children, especially if you have no children of your own. This difficulty shows up frequently in new relationships when couples want to spend time getting to know one another. It is wise to befriend their children as they can sabotage your relationship if you are in competition with them for their parent’s attention.

It is important that couples set aside time to spend together as a couple such as date nights and vacations rather than letting work and family responsibilities and financial worries get in the way. This is important because by the time the kids are gone, many couples are like strangers. Also sex is often the first thing to go by the way side because partners are stressed and tired.

Set aside time every week to sit down, without being disturbed, to really talk to one another about how you feel, to resolve any issues that may have come up or anything else that is important so you stay connected with one another. It is better not to put aside whatever is troubling you for a later date as that prevents you feeling relaxed.  

People need to be able to agree to disagree rather than trying to convince others they are right or know more. This way each person’s views can be respected and they can walk away without losing face.

When you are angry and upset, it is not the best time to vent your anger or day how you feel. It is much better to cool off first so that when you do say how you feel, you will be have had time to think through what you want to say and be able to say it in a calm voice. This is important because when we speak when we are very emotional, people tend to discount what we say.

Relationships are like a couple dancing. Who is leading and who is following isn’t important. What is important is that both parties have agreed to participate in the relationship. So if things are going poorly, rather than blame the other person, you must take responsibility for the part you played in causing the difficulty. While it is easier to blame others, it will not fix the problem.  

If you have difficulty having successful relationships, please feel free to contact me. I am available for personal, telephone readings and relationship coaching over Skype, at any time by clicking on www.sharoncheney.com or  calling me at 505 474-6363 or 514 312-2451.

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May your life be filled with peace, love and abundance and showered with blessing throughout the year.

Sharon Cheney