December 2013 Knowledge Newsletter
I want to wish everyone a safe and happy holiday season. The holidays mean different things to various people. For many, it is a time to come together with family in joyous celebration. While others get together because it is expected or the way their family has always done it. Whatever your reason to get together with family this holiday season, you may notice that spending time together may bring up old relationship patterns and conflicts.
Patterns of Interaction
Each person believes their behavior is justified. Most are unaware of why they behave as they do but there is always an underlying emotional reason that keeps their behavior going. There is no point in judging someone’s behavior as good or bad even if it annoys you. It is better to try to understand why they behave the way they do and how their behavior impacts others, and bring this to their attention rather than trying to get then to change to suit your needs, as this rarely succeeds. Often their behavior continues to avoid their facing their fears and shortcomings.
You may notice that family members often exhibit similar behavior patterns. This is due to the Law of Attraction. Souls attract other souls who have similar lessons to learn. By experiencing family relationships, we have the opportunity see what we deny or fail to accept in ourselves and shed light on soul aspects that need healing.
We must look at our relationship experiences as learning opportunities rather than punishments. Too often, there is a tendency to blame others rather than look at what needs changing within ourselves. When we refuse to see relationships and challenges as learning opportunities, we stunt our growth. To maximize learning, ask yourself “What can I learn from any relationship?”, “Do you recognize repetitive relationship patterns in your life?” and “What role do you play in your relationships?”
Whatever lessons we are here to learn, they will show up repeatedly in our lives even if we believe we have already addressed them. This repetition occurs to allow us to perfect our learning as no one masters everything the first time around and is the reason we keep incarnating. With time, we come to recognize our lessons and handle them with ease. With that said, let’s talk about typical behavior patterns, what underlies them and how to overcome them.
Victim/Abuser In this dynamic, both people need to learn the lesson of empowerment. An abuser would not abuse anyone if they felt empowered and the victim would not allow themselves to be victimized if they felt empowered. The victim tends to blame the abuser to justify feeling victimized and because they are afraid to own their power. If you see yourself as a victim, you will attract an abuser. Abusers are often victims themselves and do not know how to behave any other way.
Controllers need to control out of fear that things will go out of control. They attract people unwilling to take responsibility or make their own decisions. Control can take the form of a need to be right, acting morally superior or condensing, know it all types who believe knowledge is power, and people who “should on others and believe they are upholding society’s standards so they don’t have to examine their own fears. When you take a stand with controllers, they will no longer have any power over you.
Attention Seekers always need an audience. They get attention through complaining, being hypochondriacs, being sick or accident prone, being dare devils, acting like babies, exaggerating, being the center of attention, playing martyr and dressing outrageously or inappropriately. They do this to mask their real fear of addressing their own issues. Attention seekers are often insensitive to the needs of others. Those around them can decide how much attention they want to give their antics.
Fear always stems from a lack of self-confidence and insecurity. Fear prevents us from being spontaneous, trying new experiences and living life to the fullest. Fearful people are often compliant because they worry what others think of them as they seek the love and approval of others. Some fear they will never be loved or believe they are unlovable. Fearful people tend to think negatively and focus on the “what ifs” of life and always see the glass as half empty instead of half full. Fears become heightened when people feel out of control because they lack the confidence to handle whatever comes up. to overcome fear, try new behaviors one step at a time so you can build on success.
Passive/Aggressive people are outwardly agreeable and then sabotage whatever was planned often at the last moment. This person is full of anger but is unable to express it overtly so they control through sabotage and use this as a means to gain power over others. They attract passive people who are unwilling to speak up for themselves. When we say nothing, people assume we are in agreement. To deal with this type of person, one needs to tell them when they sabotage that if they do not agree with the plans made, they don’t need to participate. This way they will lose any power they have over you.
Anger is due to the expectations we hold about our self and others not being met. Anger can take the form of impatience, disapproval, yelling, criticism, belittling others, sarcasm and physical violence. Anger creates distance between people and causes anxiety in fearful people. To stop being angry, we must examine our expectations to see if they are realistic. It is better to ask others rather than expect them to meet your expectations. Then you must respect their right of refusal if they are unable or do not wish to do as you asked.
Manipulators People manipulate because they do not believe they can get what they want by asking and some may have a desire to get away with things. Manipulation can take the form of lying, deceit, throwing tantrums, yelling, threatening, playing helpless and using water power (crying) to get what they want. It is important to discern when someone is telling the truth and not just trust them blindly because we believe they love us. We all have a bullshit meter so we know when things do not sound right.
Judgment stems from insecurity, a lack of self-acceptance and a belief that others disapprove of us. Judgmental people do not want to address issues of emotional intimacy and prefer to live on auto pilot, judging and labeling others so they never need to relate to them as individuals. Judgement creates distance between people. Best to not let judgmental people categorize you.
Forgiveness is about our inability to own the part we played in any situation. It involves moving beyond anger and blame to taking responsibility for our actions in the drama that occurred. When we fail to forgive ourselves and others, we see the problem as originating outside ourselves which prevents us creating peace in our lives.
Each person who hurt you is your life is there because you had a soul agreement that they would play that exact role for the benefit of both parties. We need to thank them for the role they played and learn from the situation instead of continuing to be angry. Forgiveness of self and others allows both souls to be free and move forward.
Self-Love and Acceptance Many people suffer from a lack of self-love. They believe themselves to be unlovable, undeserving, unworthy and seek love, approval, attention and acknowledgement from others to validate their worth. This results in their being in dependent, unfulfilling relationships where they give away their power in hope of receiving what they want. They often settle for less and try to please so they will feel needed. They have a low self-image and use the evaluation by others as yardstick for themselves.
They attract people who take advantage of their neediness. To change this situation, we must love ourselves completely so we will not need to rely on others for love. Saying daily affirmations such as “I love and accept myself completely” will help change your beliefs about yourself. Remember loving and accepting yourself is your job, not someone else’s.
Mistrust is always due to a lack of confidence in the self and a fear that they will be unable to handle whatever comes up. Mistrust is connected to our expectations of others, so when others fail to behave as we expect, we feel hurt or betrayed. Underlying trust issues is the belief that people have the power to hurt or harm us in some manner but this can only happen if we allow that. It is true people will lie, steal, cheat and do other nasty things, but we really have no control over their actions. We can only control how we choose to respond. Trust issues always present opportunities for growth.
Giving and receiving is connected to how we feel about ourselves. The more we love ourselves, the easier it is to receive the goodies of life because we believe we deserve them. It is also easier to give when we understand that giving does not deplete us, but brings us joy. Givers are often poor receivers because they don’t love themselves, want to be independent, can’t admit they need help, believe they are undeserving or want to be in control. Givers need to learn to ask for what they want. Giving without receiving can cause a karmic debt which will remain in effect until it is discharged by receiving or asking for payment in some form.
Takers find it hard to be generous because they believe that if they give anything away, they will be left with nothing out of their insecurity, selfishness and insensitivity. Some are just manipulative and try to get as much as they can from others.
I have provided insights into some behaviour we often recognize in ourselves or others for the purpose of gaining understanding of why people behave the way they do. When faced with such behavior, the challenge is to respond with love and compassion rather than anger and judgement. While we can offer people insights into their behavior, we must accept that ultimately it is their choice to change or not, and we need to respect their decision. If you cannot tolerate their behavior, you have a choice to distance yourself from them.
If you need assistance to more fully understand your own or any other person’s behavior patterns, please feel free to contact me. I am available for personal, telephone and Skype readings, empowerment coaching, regressions, and healing either by responding to this newsletter or calling 505 474 6363 or 514 312 2451.
Gift Certificates for the Holidays With the holidays approaching and so many people undergoing a lot of change in their lives, why not give them a beneficial gift of a reading, coaching session, regression or healing that can improve their life. Sessions are available anytime in person, by phone or Skype. Gift certificates for the holidays will be available for the amount you wish to spend.
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May your life always be filled with love, peace and abundance. Blessings to you all.