August 2009 Knowledge Newsletter
Today I would like to talk about love. Love is very difficult to define as it means different things to so many people but underlying the expression of all forms of love is a feeling that flows between two or more people that fulfills our needs and expectations. Love is also often used to describe some activity we are very passionate about.
Our Need for Love
Everyone has a natural desire to be loved. As children, we all want our parent’s love and approval. Children will do whatever they deem necessary to get that love whether it means being good, being submissive or even experiencing some form of abuse. The unfortunate part of our need for love is that it does not encourage our being self empowered. It puts us in a position of always putting the needs and wants of others in front of our own in order to receive love.
It also encourages us to stay in the same patterns of behavior we experienced as children. For example, if we only received love by being submissive and doing what we were told, we will continue this behavior in our adult relationships unless we make a conscious effort to change. If we experienced any form of abuse, we will unconsciously seek this form of love in our adult relationships because this is the only model of love we recognize.
If we grew up in homes where the display, expression or discussion of feelings was not encouraged or permitted, we will experience difficulties expressing ourselves in adulthood. We may feel uncomfortable or be out of touch with our feelings. We may try to hide this difficulty by drinking alcohol, eating and/or smoking too much, being unavailable, fearful of exposure or believing if we say how we really feel, we will be rejected. All of the above forms of compensation do not lead us to becoming empowered adults.
If we were abused as children, regardless of the form, we will likely parent our children in the same way we were parented because that was the role model we experienced, unless we make a conscious effort not to repeat it. Statistically, there is a high probability that children who are abused will abuse their children in the same way. They do not do this consciously but since this was the form of love they experienced, they tend to repeat it.
When parents teach us to do as they say in order to get love, it discourages us from listening to our own inner guidance, being spontaneous or acting on our own initiative. It discourages the use of our intelligence and natural creativity. Many parents being highly concerned about the health and safety of their children do not allow them to make their own decisions or use their abilities. This causes problems as adults such as being fearful of new situations, not trusting in our ability to solve problems and difficulty taking responsibility for the choices we make and their consequences. We need to allow our children to make their own decisions and experience the consequences within limits that do not compromise their health and safety or how will they ever learn these skills.
Most people feel loved when another person(s) make them feel special and fulfills their inner needs and expectations. These needs and expectations, when examined closely, are often tied to what we were exposed to in childhood. Almost 99% of people marry their parents. If you are like your mother, you will look for a partner like your father. If you are like your dad, you will seek a partner who has the personality of your mother. Your sex and the sex of the parent are immaterial. It is the personality patterns we tend to replicate.
I know this to be true because I have had many people tell me they always get attracted to the same type of person and land up in similar patterns of relationships. If you doubt this is true, ask yourself which parent are you closer to in personality style and what type of partners do you attract into your life? Do they have characteristics of the opposite parent, the one whose love and approval you are seeking? I invite you to examine your own life for the truth of what I am saying.
Not everyone has the same capacity for love. This is due to our up-bringing, personalities and willingness to examine and express our feelings. When someone says “I love you”, their love may not take the form of love you desire. Too often people try to interpret these words with the meaning they would like to hear. The person saying “I love you” is saying that you are fulfilling his or her needs and wants, not yours. Often in our desire and need for love, we are willing to accept less than we deserve. We are willing to put our needs on the back burner so to speak, in order to receive love us even if the form of love expressed is abusive, co-dependent or manipulative. It might be wise to ask yourself if your relationships really fulfill your needs or do you stay in these relationships for other reasons.
We all have shopping list of qualities we want in an ideal mate or friends. Unfortunately, our wishes are not always fulfilled. We need to understand that the relationships we attract into our lives have a lot to do with our family patterning but also with the soul lessons we choose for this lifetime. In order to understand this concept, we need to look upon all our relationships as learning opportunities. The people we attract into our lives have the same lessons to learn that we do. That is why they are there. There are no accidents. We agreed prior to incarnation to interact with these people during our lifetime. So the best question you can ask yourself is not “Are you happy?” but “What can you learn from your relationships?” If you notice that you have the same dynamics occurring with different people time and time again, this should be proof positive that you are repeating old patterns of behavior instead of learning from your relationships and moving on.
When we say “I love you” to someone, what are we really trying to convey? Is this an expression of love determined by our family, cultural or society’s standards of behavior? Is it the fulfillment of our needs and expectations by another? Is it determined by media exposure of what we believe love is supposed to look like? Do we say “I love you” to keep others close to us, to ensure our place in their lives, to reassure ourselves? This is a question we all need to ask ourselves as we use the word love rather loosely in our culture.
We say we love our partners, our children, our family members, friends, activities we like to do, places we have been - surely this expresses different forms or levels of love. It might be wise to examine the level of feelings we hold for different people and activities as I am sure it is not always comparable, even though we use the word love to express our feelings.
Some people only feel loved when they have the approval of their parents, family members and the society in which they live. When we act outside of accepted behavior patterns, we risk loosing the love of those we hold near and dear. Some people are afraid to love for fear of loss or rejection. Some people believe there is no one to love them because they are unlovable or don’t desire to be loved. Some people have such high expectations about love that they cannot be fulfilled.
Have you ever noticed that our feelings change over time? When people marry they promise to be together until death but as the years go by, our feeling change because we have changed. When we evolve, it is only natural to feel differently about people in our lives. Life is about change and if we fail to learn from our experiences, we prohibit our own growth and perhaps the growth of others. Whether we choose to stay in old relationships or not, it best to examine our choices and make sure we are there for the right reasons and not out of security or fear of moving forward. It is always best to be honest with yourself.
When we love ourselves we are in the best position to be able to love others. This is due to the fact that we now have a positive experience of what love looks like. When we can accept ourselves completely, it is much easier to accept others with their faults and differences. When we love and accept ourselves, we do not sacrifice what we want in order to loved. We are able to express our needs, create and maintain boundaries and manifest what we want. We are not so vulnerable, so needy or dependent on others. This makes us strong and confident.
When we are able to love ourselves unconditionally, we experience an opening of the heart that extends not only to ourselves but to everyone on the planet. Just imagine what the world would look like if we all went around loving ourselves and everyone else. It would be magical. This is where we are all going eventually even if our progress is slow.
Love is a topic that is so broad I could continue to address how our need for love affects us throughout our lives. I hope you will examine your feelings of love for yourself and others and the kind of love you desire to attract into your life. If you need any help to recognize any old beliefs or patterns you are holding onto that may need changing, please feel free to contact me. I am available for personal and telephone readings, empowerment coaching, regressions, and healing either by responding to this newsletter or calling me at 505 474-6363 or 514 312-2451.
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May your life be filled with love, peace and abundance. Blessings to all,