July 2014 Knowledge Newsletter
Dear Friends, Many people have difficulty being vulnerable and letting others see their true feelings in daily situations but this is especially true in the sexual arena. The act of intercourse seems to be simple enough. Put penis in vagina, thrust a little bit and voila you have an enjoyable climax. Although the mechanics are simple, the feelings of vulnerability associated with sexual desirability and performance are anything but.
Vulnerability in the Sexual Arena
Whenever we have sexual relations, we bring into play our emotional and physical vulnerabilities. Although this is seldom spoken about, we expect ourselves and our partners to not only be attractive, but be good lovers. Unfortunately, we have these unexpressed expectations about what is supposed to happen between the sheets and feel disappointed when these expectations do not get met.
Every girl dreams of prince charming whisking her away to the castle and making passionate love to her. She fantasies that he will be a considerate lover and bring her to climax every time due to his sexual prowess. Men dream of someone like Marilyn Monroe desiring them, being able to please them and having the stamina to carry on all night. These fantasies do not change no matter how old we become. These are unrealistic expectations but we still hold onto them and are disappointed when reality does not match our fantasies.
We feel vulnerable when we are faced with the reality of being desirable and sexually competent. Issues of desirability, attraction, performance and acceptance are bound to come up in every sexual relationship. Even when we are successful in other aspects of our lives, the sexual arena is unique in that it brings into play many issues that do not show up elsewhere.
During sexual intimacy, we are naked both physically and figuratively. Being naked emotionally is quite difficult for most people especially if we do not feel confident about ourselves as lovers or we do not like our bodies. When we are intimate with another, our energy fields overlap so each has access to another on more than the physical level. Even when we know our partners well and have been together for some time, sharing our bodies and our deepest feelings is still a scary proposition as we cannot be certain they will provide the sacred container we need to be emotionally vulnerable.
Just getting naked with another person can be a big concern for many especially if they are not proud of how they look. Woman may worry their breasts are too small, their legs are too fat, they have no behind or they are carrying fat around their middle. Women worry that as they get older their skin is flabby, even if they are slim. In a society that stresses physical appearance as being essential in attracting others, how we look can be a big concern especially when we need to undress in front of another.
If you are overweight in a society that favors people who are slim, the issue of whether someone will find you attractive becomes a factor. This is often a bigger concern for woman than men but men, especially in the gay community are very concerned with how they look as men are very visual creatures. Men are not only concerned about their weight and looks, but their penis size. Penis size is not really related to performance but it is connected to our belief of being desirable and able to please our partners.
Performance pressure is greater for men especially those trying to impress women with their sexual prowess. It isn’t just stamina and maintaining an erection that men have to worry about, they need to demonstrate their sexual expertise, be sensitive to their partner’s needs, know their erogenous zones and be able to please them in different ways. The pressure is on the man to be able to do this although men certainly appreciate women who know how to please them unless they hold religious or moral views to the contrary.
Women don’t have performance pressure and can fake an organism. But they do feel pressured to keep themselves looking desirable or they fear their partners will look elsewhere or choose someone younger or more beautiful.
Feeling vulnerable affects our self-image and confidence leading some people to avoid intimate relationships. Even if you are a beautiful woman or handsome man who has no trouble attracting partners, that does not mean you will not feel vulnerable once the relationship becomes intimate.
As we age, our bodies change and we are more likely to develop medical conditions. Diabetes can cause men to have difficulty getting an erection. Men, with heart problems worry that over exertion could bring on another attack. Post-menopausal women must deal with increasing dryness that can cause pain during intercourse. As we age, we often do not have the mobility we enjoyed in our younger years and this may limit what we are able to do. Joint and back pain can also cause limitations. All of the above can make us feel like we are no longer desirable or able to perform as we once were.
These concerns are more common than one would think. As people live longer and more people get divorced and seek new partners, the concern about being desirable and attractive is something with which many people have to concern themselves. Even
though physical attraction is often the major factor in being desirable, being able to perform can create pressure and make us feel vulnerable.
Our willingness to have sex is frequently is a factor in our desirability. If we do not desire sex frequently or feel too vulnerable to get into bed with someone, we may worry that this will impact our relationship or fear our partners will go elsewhere for satisfaction.
As we age, the desire for sex often decreases and we often want partners for more for companionship than sexual satisfaction due to decreased sex drive or physical and medical limitations. But we are still conditioned by the media that we need to be sexually attractive and active. The advent of Viagra and other such drugs is implying that sex can continue at any age. Being able to perform sexually changes how we perceive ourselves and how our partners look upon us. It can bring new life into relationships that have existed for some time without sexual activity.
Some people have sex with their partners just to keep them happy and to get what they want out from the relationship in other areas. They may do this because of a fear of being emotionally vulnerable or because they are disconnected from their feelings. Even if someone is compliant, certainly their partner knows when someone is not participating fully unless they only interested in getting their needs met.
The sexual arena is frequently where our true feelings get exposed. For example, if you are a man who feels disempowered, you may force sex on a partner without their consent. If a man feels unworthy, he may not climax because he doesn’t want to give himself pleasure. If he is angry at his partner, he may fail to get an erection because he does not want to please her. Women who are angry may refuse to have sex with their partners. Women, who are fearful may be frigid and be unable to enjoy sex because of emotional problems.
I have mentioned just a few of the ways our feelings of vulnerability can show up in the sexual arena. If you need assistance to overcome your feelings of vulnerability, please feel free to contact me. I am available for personal, telephone and Skype readings, empowerment coaching, regressions, and healing either by responding to this newsletter or calling 505 474 6363 or 514 312 2451.
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